The overtired baby who wouldn't sleep, without his mamma

Jeremy, please, please, just go to sleep so I can have some quite time to work on my goals today! 

*****

I worked so hard on Saturday to prepare for Sunday. This year I'm going to be on time to church, keep my meals simple on Sunday so I can do things that build me spiritually. I did the laundry, laid out Jeremy's clothes, we made a play-by-play schedule to keep us on track for the morning, I measured and chopped all my ingredients for my crock-pot meal, I stayed up a little late making the tortillas so I didn't have to spend the time in the kitchen on Sunday. I even packed our Sunday bag only short of the sippy-cup full of milk (goats milk that is) that was already filled and sitting in the fridge, waiting and ready to go. The house was cleaned, the groceries were purchased, the only chores left to go were going to wait until Monday. The only thing that didn't happen was a shower, because we spent some time playing games with friends/neighbors we spontaneously invited over (totally worth it).

I was ready for Sunday --for some time to focus on finishing my goals.

We were on time. Not early, but at least on time. We did it. Our Sunday was off to a good start! Church ends at noon and I have so much time to do "Sunday things."

And somehow I wasn't able to focus on the important things I wanted to do during Jeremy's first nap of the day which happened to be about 2 hours late (oye for 2-a-day naps and 3 hours of church). Lots of phone calls, messages to reply to, and odds and ends, and baby wakes.

...as for the second nap.

Lots of screaming. No nap.

Dinner time. Lots of playing. Video chatting with grandma. Fussiness. Time for bedtime. Bath time. Pajamas. Medicine for teething. Nursing...attempt. Wigggle-wormy, squirmy, tired, fussy. Time for crib.

Screaming. Lots of screaming.

Car ride with dad.

Sleeping baby!

...crying.

Removed from carseat. Nursed. Put in crib.

Screaming. More and more screaming! 

Teething? Overtired? Thirsty? Hungry? Jeremy, please, please, just go to sleep so I can have some quiet time to work on my goals today! 

Peanut butter, honey, banana sandwich. Bottle of milk (goat's milk). Playing. Crawling. Back to the bedroom. 

Jeremy, please, please, just go to sleep so I can . . . go write out my goals about being a better mom. 

Sigh.

Just be present. Here. Now. Just be with him. He needs me right now. He's been happy cuddled in my arms and cries in the crib. Just be his pal, his loving mamma, his comfort when he needs it. 

We sit on the floor together. Pull some blankets out the the blanket bin, get our favorite blanket from the crib, cuddle-up, nurse a little, sit a little. I giggle silently as he just sits and rests his head on my bare skin. He sits up, lays down, scoots around. I lay down on the floor and try to get him to do the same. Some resistance. Finally his little head crashed down. We lay check-bone to check-bone. No. It's more like check-bone to entire small little face smooshed up against mine as he's perched on his tummy with his bum a little up.

Breath.

I listen. I hear his deep nasally breaths that are borderline snores, the intermittent squeaks of a pacifier, my deep steady breaths. I pull the blankets up around us. I try to sneak my arm out from under his head in preparation for my later escape. His arm reaches over to me. His little hand finds my nose. I giggle a silent giggle as he holds on for reassurance --"Mom is still there." I notice his little fingers and soft skin. I take it all in. I shift slowly. His arm is quickly tossed around my neck, hanging on. We breath.

My mind starts trying to find the words to capture the moment.

Just take it all in. Soak it all up. My busy, toddling-baby is snuggling with me. Breath. Feel his soft skin against mine. His little eyelashes that flutter against my face. Just feel it all. His soft hair, his sweet diapered-bum, his little hands. His need for his mamma. 

I shift. He sits up, adjusts, and lays next to me, close and still.

Jeremy, please, please, just help me not overlook the precious moments of motherhood so that I can truly achieve my goals! 

*****

This year I'm going to be present with my son. My goals are more than words in a google doc, they're the actions that I will live. Moment. By. Moment.

Escaping the Clutter Trap: Self-Reflection

PS this dresser used to be clean, but I had to move my office piles from the kitchen counter so we could put up our Christmas tree! 

*****

I recently purchased an e-book written by my friend and former dance teacher, Robin from Thank Your Body. Escaping the Clutter Trap. Am I a hoarder? No. Do I think I could improve on the "piles" that sometimes happen around the house. Yes. Have I discovered that I actually have a lot of "mental clutter" that's more grand than the few clutter zones in my home. Yes.

So I'm on a journey to fix it. I share my journey in case it will help anyone else. I haven't read the whole book yet and am a little skeptical because she's got it all put together and I wouldn't be here if I did have it put together! So is this book really gonna help someone like me who (for her whole life) has suffered from bad habits like procrastination and some disorganization? I'm not sure. Sometimes people that are punctual and organized don't get it. They don't get why it's so hard for other people to just be on time or just be organized. Our brains tick a different way . . . or maybe sometimes it's not ticking! Either way I begin with some skepticism. Yet, I am hopeful, because there is something that I believe in and that is CHANGE. I know God is organized (hello, He organized the whole earth and everything in it! Talk about amazing organization skills there!) and I can become more like Him everyday. So hello patience and hello persistence. We're gonna take care of some clutter! And we're even getting a head start before January when the rest of the world recommits to this.

Below is a portion of questions found in the e-book. And my honest, initial responses to them.

*****

How does being too busy contribute to clutter in your life? 

I don't know if I am "too busy" but sometimes I do feel overwhelmed by things. I feel like I am always one step behind and can never quite catch up. I have projects or things I want to work on but never get to it because there "isn't enough time." I feel blessed to recognize that everyone has the same amount of time, so blaming it on there not being "enough time" is a lie and an excuse. The real problem is how I choose to do things and how I choose to spend my time. The only thing that can keep me from accomplishing greatness is myself ...well and maybe the round-the-clock responsibility to a little person. But now isn't about pointing the finger at others. It's about finding success and making change, because --let's be honest-- lots of moms with little ones accomplish lots of great things. Okay, while I'm on this same note, "great things" is an individual thing. For me a "great thing" would just be be able to feel calm and enjoy wake-time with my baby and having dinner on the table! Maybe with some work I can do a little more than that, or maybe that's enough. I'll still be changing the world one meal and life-lesson at a time.


How does that clutter affect your life? 

Let's, again, be honest here. I have missed appointments. Been late to things. Taken care of things passed deadlines. During college I even got behind on assignments and projects to the extent that I would just give up on them. A lot of the "clutter" in my life is not only paper clutter (which over the last couple years I have gotten a little better at managing), but a lot of it, I think, is a sort of mental clutter. When things have "piled up" figuratively then I get overwhelmed, feel stressed, can't focus, and can't make progress. At times it has been down-right debilitating. Other times the clutter - especially found in my email! - has caused me to miss out on connecting with people and even opportunities to do things. Right now there is a commercial airing when you fly JetBlue depicting an email box that gets filled up to something ridiculous like 1 billion emails. I laughed out loud when I saw it, because, well that's me right now! Oye. So terrible. Another thing mental clutter has caused is missed birthdays, started cards, intended phone calls and then . . . the day passes. "Next year!" I tell myself. And then . . . it happens again.


What would you like to spend your time doing? 

This is always an interesting question to me because truly we each have this decision. Unless, of course, you've been incarcerated. Then it's not really your choice on how to spend your time. I could argue that "I don't have a choice, I have to spend time changing diapers, I have to spend so much of my day breast-feeding, I have to . . ." But the truth is I don't  have to do any of those things. I choose to, because I am a mother and love my child so I choose to take care of him. I think my attitude about doing things would be better about things if I reminded myself that I don't have to do anything - especially the mundane work of motherhood - but I choose to because I want to. The real reason behind how I spend my time is motivated out of love, dedication, and commitment to service.

Okay, I think my thoughts have kind of derailed from the initial question at hand, nevertheless a good insight to have. So back to the question. What would I like to spend my time doing? I guess the things that are most important to me are serving my God, my husband, and my family. Connecting with people - family members and friends. I'd also like to be pursuing my talents. I'd like to be dancing. I'd like to be blogging. I'd like to be spending time exploring the world around me.


What will you gain from de-cluttering your home, office, and life? 

Control. I will gain control of what's going on around me and with my life. I can choose to be in control of what is happening in my life.

*****

I wrote this post before taking pictures of our "home-office" which, since we moved recently has landed in a variety of locations, including boxes that still need to be emptied! Looking at these pictures helps me realize how bad and how cluttered our "office" (or lack thereof) actually is! Yikes this reveal is serious motivation for change!

Oh and did I mention that this is mostly my stuff and problem. I have an amazingly clutter-free husband! That may be one of the reasons I married him. I wasn't going to tell him about reading this e-book, maybe because I'm kind of proud like that and didn't want to own up to trying to work on my issues. But, I think he sometimes reads my blog posts :-) 

*****

Do you have any clutter issues? What are your clutter areas? What do you wish was different? Anyone wanna reveal their own clutter photos? No judging here, you're in good company!

Be Yourself: Be Your Best Self

I don't claim to have it all figured out, although I'm afraid in some situations I put off that vibe. Just because I can show up to church with my hair in near perfect curls (or at least I used to) and my accessories totally matching or my living room can be spotless upon a visitor's arrival, I think people just might think I have it "put together."  . . . Or maybe no one thinks that I've got it put together after all --especially if they really know me. And now that I think about it, I really don't know what anyone thinks . . . and I guess that's the funny thing about life and about deciding to blog about it. People are going to think something of me and I'll never really know what that is or be able to control it.

 But what or rather who is the me that I decide to put out there?

I guess, even though, I'm twenty-something I'm still trying to figure out who me is. And the funny thing about that is that a person is ever changing. I can really be whoever I want to be!  Or at least become who I want to be.

So even though I think this blogger Angie is hilarious to boot in her matter of fact way of putting things, and the 71toes blogger  (I don't even know her name) is remarkable at sharing her deliberate parenting with real life ups and downs yet ever so positive tone --I am not either of them or any other blogger or person for that matter.

I'm ME.

So who is me? Well I'm still figuring that out.

Some days I'm a little depressed.
Some days I am truly happy.
Some days I am grateful.
Some days I am judgmental.
Some days I am humble.
Some days I am full of laughter.
Some days I am bossy and stubborn.
Some days I am open-minded.
Some days I am not.
Some days I'm kind of witty.
Some days I am organized.
Most days I am not.
Some days I am satisfied with who I am ... some days.
Some days I am empathetic.
Some days I am a good listener.
Some days I am prepared.
Some days I am indecisive.
Some days I know just what I want.

I'm a lot of things. And I guess that is what makes me great. It's what makes all of us great.

When I was running for Miss Sandy I came across a little home decor tile (those things were all the rage in 2007!) that really resonated with me. I had been feeling like I had to fit some mold to qualify for the city royalty. So I think I tried to be that . . . for a while. And then I realized that that wasn't true. So during those days and weeks that I was preparing for the pageant this little home decor item with it's inspirational saying went up as decor in our little apartment (I realize I didn't even ask my roommates, I just put it up, sometimes I guess my bossiness is subtle like that). I digress! This was my reminder, my motto, my commitment to being ME.

and just in case pictures aren't loading for you

In A World Where You Can Be Anything

BE YOURSELF  

And if I were to change anything about that saying it might be to be your BEST self. (You know, without the subtle bossiness, or temper, or whatever follies you're working to overcome).

One little fact about that Miss Sandy pageant is that even though I came away with a crown for 2nd attendant, that wasn't my most proud accomplishment. It was winning what would be considered the "Miss Congeniality" award or the "Contestants' Choice Award." I was so touched and honored that the other girls voted for me. I hadn't anticipated winning this award at all, but I think it shows what one of my greatest attributes is:

LOVE

I genuinely love and admire other people. I think the girls felt that. I think even though I may not always be the best at conveying my love or being friends (distance and time time-management seem to be great enemies in that department!) that fact is that I look up to you and admire qualities you have. If  I know you, I love you. This is true for so many people: people I went to school with, people I danced with or cheered with or sang with, people I worked with, people I met randomly, family, friends of friends, people from my birth class, hair stylists, store employees, roommates. 

So in this world of self-publishing, I am sure I'll say something that will probably offend (even though that's not my intent), something that may not be true to myself or true to the best self I'm trying to be, and some things that may not be the tone I'm actually trying to relay. But the truth is I'm learning, I'm trying to improve, and I have a big heart. 

I hope I can do better in my day-to-day life of not only feeling love for others but showing it too. 

So I move forward with a renewed commitment to 

Be My Best Self 

and to 

Show Love

*****

What do you think? Do you feel like you can be yourself? Do you feel like you're your best self?